Hard Candy Christmas - File Under Rant -

Okay I've had it. Seriously. Enough is frickin' enough.

Thanksgiving has never been a really big holiday in my family. Aside from a dry turkey that has to be gagged down with a few glasses of milk and my grandmothers delicious chicken and noodles it doesn't mean that much to me.

Now, however I am assaulted every thanksgiving. Assaulted like Jodie Foster on a pinball machine. Thanksgiving now brings on the onslaught of christmas music. I will admit, I do like christmas music. I do, really. I have a lot of christmas music that I like to listen to at this time of year. There are christmas classics, old Perry Como songs, Brenda Lee's "Rockin around the Christmas tree". I know that it's just me being a fuddy duddy when I tell you that I despise what has become THE gay holiday song, Mariah Frickin' Carey singing "All I want for Christmas". I really hate this song. Really. I hate it. A lot. Like the Bush Presidency and fat suburbanites in hovercraft type wheelchairs it seems I am incapable of ending it's run. I'll just have to accept that fact. Fine, I will, eventually. Give me some time.

BUT...

I am putting my foot down (the good one) on another matter. Thanksgiving begins the drooling incessant need for people to request the song "Hard Candy Christmas". If by some miracle you are unfamiliar with this song let me fill in the background. It was written for the musical "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" which was of course later made into a film with Dolly Parton. Now I love Dolly, anyone who knows me knows that she is my personal favorite ever. This song in the show is sung at the time when the sheriff and the Governor have declared that the whorehouse should be shut down. The girls are all packing up their things and leaving the house for the last time. They sing a song about their grief and what they'll do now that their lives have been up-ended. Let's take a look at the lyrics:

Hard Candy Christmas

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
Maybe I'll move somewhere
Maybe I'll get a car
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track
Me, I'll bounce right back
Maybe I'll sleep real late
Maybe I'll lose some weight
Maybe I'll clear my junk
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and Dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow get me way down

Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on

Maybe I'll settle down
Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

'Cause I'll be fine
(I'll be fine)
Oh, I'll be fine

Does everybody feel all warm and runny now? No. I thought not. Now I suppose an argument could be made here that the song is about the perseverence of the human spirit and overcoming adversity. I would like to believe that that is how people view the song but I will lay you ten to one (it's an odd time but I'll be there - Mae West) that is not why people like the song. People like this song for one very stupid reason. It has the word christmas in the title. That's the whole attraction (well other than it being Dolly).

What actually IS a hard candy christmas I hear you asking. Well it's a reference to a poor christmas, a christmas where the only present is hard candy. It's very Laura Ingalls Wilder. A penny and a peppermint stick, go with god. These whores are singing about how they are down and out, they've got nothing but they are gonna stick it out, suck on their piece of hard candy (and probably something else very soon in a tacky no-tell motel in Laughlin Nevada) and get on with life. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS. NOTHING. NOTHING. Stop singing it next to Rudolph the fucking red nosed reindeer. Rudolph didn't sell his fucking wares at the north pole. Brenda Lee wasn't wearing a see thru nightie as she rocked around the christmas tree. Bing Crosby wasn't talking about snorting coke off a hookers ass when he sang white christmas. I can't take it anymore, just STOP IT!