Living Below Sea Level

I know that I live below sea level here in New Orleans and that has a definate affect on our culture...but some of the kids have gone too far now and I think it's time to (no pun intended) reel them in and put them on ice. I'm talking about dorsal fins, this new hair style where the hair is slicked up severely until it makes you look like a dolphin on land. Now this is merely a more severe version of the "Faux Hawk" look from last season...which finally wore me down to acceptance...for those that don't remember the faux hawk, it was a hairstyle that didn't require shaving the hair, merely pushing it up to a pretty non-commital point in the middle like a mohawk might have been. This new dorsal fin thing is serious, seriously insane. I am not sure how much Paul Mitchell texture cream is needed to do this but I assume it's a large amount. If I ever find myself lost in the ocean and in need of a gentle creature to guide me back to shore like has been done for thousands of years by our friend the dolphin, I might appreciate this hairstyle.