I hate hurricanes...I'm more of a whiskey man myself

"I'm walking on Sunshine...whoa...I'm walking on Sunshine...whoa" Oh wait, that was Katrina and the Waves. Damn.

So instead of sitting here typing about this I should be cleaning up and getting ready for the hurricane. I just spent the last 45 minutes cleaning out the long brick drain in the side of my house in case we get torrential amounts of rain.

As of right now we have made no decision as to what we are going to do about evacuating. A friend in Baton Rouge has offered a place to stay as well as Jeff's parents in Jackson and his sister in Mobile. We will decide by noon tomorrow what action to take.

It seems that New Orleans has run out of luck, we missed Ivan and Charlie and the rest but this one looks pretty ominous...

For the moment I'm going to get the house ready to evacuate and then go have a drink.

Wish Me Luck!

P.S. to Mattie...if the city is still standing we'll still have decadence!

Oh...P.P.S I have a great story to tell you all about a fantastic trannie fight I witnessed on the street last night, but that story will have to wait.

I need a shower, actually I need a silkwood shower.

I have just returned from the movie theater where I saw the film "The Aristocrats." For those that have not heard of it let me give you the basics. It's about a joke. A joke that has been around since the days of vaudeville but never told on stage, and for good reason. The premise of the joke is always the same; A guy walks into a talent agency and says "Have I got an act for you...It's a family act..." And here's where things go awry. The middle part of the joke is whatever the teller can come up with, as long as it's filthy and obscene. Various versions include vomit, shit, piss, beastiality, incest, foreskins, fisting, whatever you can come up with to make the joke vile. So Penn and Teller decided to make a documentary ABOUT the joke. They gathered dozens of comics who talked about the joke, told the joke, told other jokes and all for the camera. I won't give away the jokes, partially because I was laughing so hard I can't possibly remember all of them, but suffice to say that it is hysterical. After you've seen it you may agree with my favorites, Carrie Fisher, Gilbert Gottried, Bob Saget (yes, who is filthy), Sarah Silverman and of course, the mime. For those of you in the New Orleans area, the film is playing at Canal Place Cinema at 12, 2, 4, 6 and 8. I'm going to take a shower now to wash off a layer of degradation. Go, rush, see the movie...

.....

Seriously the quacking is about to drive me insane....9:11 pm.

I Do Love My Dogs...But...

Today was doggie bath day. Jeff and I both had the afternoon free so we decided to take the dogs to the Pooch Palace to wash them. I should explain that you need to wash greyhounds with warm water because they are very susceptible to cold. Since I only have a shower in my house the dogs are too large to wash there so I take them to the Pooch Palace. It's kind of a dog wash-a-teria. The dogs don't particularly like the baths but they endured. Afterwards we went to Petco to get some pet food and since the dogs had been so good, I let them each pick out a new toy. This entails letting them nose everything on the toy aisle until they pick something. Chase picked a stuffed bone while Dash went for a squeaking duck on a rope kind of thing. When we got home I was taking the tags off when I notice that Dash's toy says "Press me, I talk!"
"Talk?" I thought, "How does it talk?" When I pressed the ducks head it said "Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack..." Dash was immediately intrigued, grabbed the duck and ran off, a trailing quack as he headed for the living room. Keeping the ducks head in his mouth the quack never quite ends, the pressure keeping the incessant noise going. Then it got stuck in the on mode, lying in the middle of the living room quacking at us until Jeff shook it to a stop. Luckily both dogs are napping now and we are quackless but I assume this will be a favorite toy for a while until it breaks or my nerves are shattered to a point of ripping the quacker out.

In other news, Happy Birthday Dorothy Parker! Though Dorothy would be 112 today, the old girl is still kicking along in the wicked hearts of her fans. A little Dorothy for you...

Men

They hail you as their morning star

Because you are the way you are.

If you return the sentiment,

They'll try to make you different;

And once they have you, safe and sound,

They want to change you all around.

Your moods and ways they put a curse on;

They'd make of you another person.

They cannot let you go your gait;

They influence and educate.

They'd alter all that they admired.

They make me sick, they make me tired.

Over the weekend I was once again witness to a great couple argument on the streets of New Orleans. A man and woman, he was screaming something unintelligible to her and then kept crossing the street to get away from her. She would cross after him and he would again switch sides, both of them stumbling across the roads in a zig zag pattern. Finally they got to the gate of their hotel and the man rammed his head into the wood door frame a few times before punching in the appropriate code and the two of them disappeared, oh L'amour, L'amour, L'amour...

Tall, Blonde German

This is how I describe my friend Jason to people who ask "Jason who?" Jason, my tall blonde german friend. Today is Jason's Birthday! (Is anyone else seeing a theme here?) I spoke to him on the phone earlier while he was about to cut his birthday cake at the parents house. Happy Birthday to Jason, a mere 34 today... Here is a photo of Jason with his cat, Kitters...

If there is anything...

If there is anything in this world that makes me happy, it's that I live in the same world with Bill Maher. I love Bill Maher. While putting away my laundry and cleaning up my room (yes on a Friday night) the most recent episode of "Real Time" was on HBO. Even more exciting was seeing him discuss the state of the judicial system with Phyllis Schlafly. In the course of the conversation gay rights were brought up and Bill said to the grand dragon (Schlafly) "You have a gay son, isn't that correct?" Schlafly was suitably upset and chastised him for striking such a low blow. Better yet was the next comment from Maher that he wondered why so many conservatives had gay children...Fabulous.

Scotties Birthday!

Happy Birthday Scottie! Today is Scott's 36th Birthday so if you see him out and about tonight then buy him a shot or a drink or hell, just smack him on the ass!

Here is a picture of Scottie and myself during our birthday period last year...

Uptown Gurls

Yesterday was a free day for me, no work, so I went over to a couple friends house to see their new place. They live uptown, having deserted the suburbs (and Jefferson Parish). The new place is nice as long as you lock up tight and ignore the gunshots from a few blocks away. We took a drive around and I pointed out some things of interest, you know, like how to get to Audubon Park and where the dorm buildings are on the Loyola and Tulane campus. We also took a slow drive down St. Charles looking at all the jogging shirtless boys. After all that driving I was thirsty so we hit the Balcony Bar for their $2 Southern Comfort special before meandering through the Bulldog for a quick drink. We even hit Miss Mae's where we ran into Jacob and Chase and then Justin C. called and met us out there. We hung out and played a little pool ( I actually won 2 out of 3). I was a little nervous about going there since it's the Jakesters hangout but luckily he didn't come in last night (at least while I was there). A good time was had by all but it was over early and I headed home to watch a movie and go to bed.

Oh Yeah, Happy Birthday to Madonna...and get well too. Pity about that horse accident but it could be worse, she could be Christopher Reeve....

Giggle

On the country radio station here in New Orleans there is an annoying Andy Rooney type of character that comes on every night at six. He's supposed to be the redneck angry American type, you know, making fun of progress, preferring to sit on the back porch and see who can spit watermelon seeds farthest. Anyway he will occasionally say something quite funny and today was a good one. He was talking about how school supplies have changed, how his kid went from needing a couple pairs of jeans and a transformer lunchbox to now needing a cell phone and a laptop. Right at the end he launched into this bit about how he never knew what you needed a protractor for but he always had to have one for school and how he was happy as a slow kid with a penny when he got his protractor....Now that's funny.

Oh, birthdays birthdays...I have forgotten to mention so many over the summer but today happens to be the birthday of my friend Mark B. in Dallas and Tod S. in Indianapolis so happy birthday to the two of them. I missed a bunch of them over the summer, in July alone there was my sister, Jefferson and Mike F. Happy belated birthday to Doug R, John F. And Billy B. up in Indy as well as to Mike F. who has moved from Chicago to NY. Way back in June there was Jim L. out in San Francisco and DJ Rev here in New Orleans. Lots of parents were screwing in the winter months, jeez. Anyway, a big fat happy birthday to everyone I mentioned and I'm sure I missed some so Happy Birthday!!!

My name change.

I am changing my name to Dolly Levi. I don't have the strength for any further explanation.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Step Right Up!

See the freaks! 10cents a person! Step Right Up!

I am telling you, P.T. Barnum himself could not have gathered as many freaks as are roaming the streets of New Orleans this summer. I have a theory that they are all always here but there is usually enough of a buffer with the other people that you don't notice them as much. Scale away the tourists, students and the locals who are saving money for decadence and we're left with a very visible community of freaks. Let's go over a few examples over the last few days:

Monday night at Bianca's Comedy/Variety Show; A local drag queen takes the stage in her non ending (and never winning) quest to snare the $50 dollar prize. She often does the same number or maybe it just always sounds the same because she always looks the same and that look is tired. A friend of mine made a comment about her needing new material which was overheard by two of the queens friends. They proceed to turn around and in all their "ghetto fabulous attitude" tell him off before wandering upstairs. A few minutes later they return with the drag queen to repeat the telling off...But at least the queen leaned in and spoke quietly. The show ended (and drumroll please, the queen didn't win, again) and we all leave to go over to the Pub. On the street outside my friend is again confronted by the 2 karat cubic zirconia earring wearing would be fhug (faggot thug) who tries to get my friend to "throw the first punch." Eventually they wandered off to harass someone else. The drag queen friend whose reputation they were so anxious to protect, well she jumped into the first vehicle that stopped (only to be dropped off again 20 minutes later...hmmm...I wonder where she went and how much she earned...)

Later that night another drag queen (this one looking much rougher than the last one) suddenly interrupted the entire bar by screaming about how she couldn't get the cigarette machine to work. I think her pack of Kools was stuck in the machinery. She continued to scream (most at Matt the bartender) all the way out the door...

This brings me to last night. I was at work and one of the first people to catch my eye was an older woman in a half shirt. I thought she was a lesbian since her companion was only missing a draft beer to complete the full Dyke mode. It turns out I was wrong since the woman began trying to make out with every man in sight. Eventually she landed a drunken 25 year old boy (and when I tell you this woman looked 55 if she was a day) and they began making out. I don't know which part was more disgusting, her fingering her own twat or the boy licking his fingers and putting them down her pants to finger her twat...Probably the latter. Anyway, I was fed up with the woman when she lounged her skank ass across three stools. I asked her nicely to put her feet down but when she didn't I came over and removed the one she was resting her cowboy boot-laden feet on and said "this isn't your living room." I would have thought that would have been obvious from the lack of wood paneling on the walls. While she wasn't getting the idea that wanted her out, her rather butch friend did get the hint and took her away. I later found out the woman lives in Slidell, is recently divorced and is only 45. Seriously, I wish I had a picture to put on here of how haggard and horrible this woman looked. The 25 year old boy went with her and I can only imagine that scene this morning. I should have watched the news to see if there were any stories about naked 25 year old tourist seen fleeing a trailer park with one bloody arm chewed off rather than wake up Grandma Moses. At least he won't have to fish through the sheets to help her look for her dentures. I wanted to take a picture of the two of them together and mail it to the boys mother (who was probably younger than this woman). She could have put it in her sons baby book under the title "Baby's First Hooker."

That's all on the freak patrol...I'll keep you updated as they appear.

BTW...I went to see "Skeleton Key" this morning. I really enjoyed it, it's very Louisiana/New Orleans like in it's references to voodoo and the location shooting. Kate Hudson is decent in the movie, Gena Rowlands is great. The story line is good though I had guessed the surprise ending. Go see it, it's fun.

Overdue...But worth the wait...

I have to backtrack to late June to make this entry and I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to get this out...Wait no further, may I present my blog entry about: David Sedaris.

David Sedaris was coming to town to do a book reading at Garden District Book Store. When a bookstore brings in an author they usually provide an escort (out of the gutter, I am talking someone who picks them up at the airport and drives them where they need to go) for the person. Due to a scheduling conflict they were unable to provide one of their own people. At the time my roommate Jeff was working at another independent bookseller so they called him up and asked if he could serve as David's escort. Jeff immediately said YES! But there was only one problem, he doesn't have a car. Fortunately I do so I offered the use of my vehicle. The day came and Jeff went to pick David up at the airport and dropped him off at his hotel. He had just gotten home when the phone rings and it's David asking Jeff to take him to a laundromat and then to get something to eat. Book tours are particularly grueling for authors, one city after another, catching flights early in the morning and doing signings until late at night. He hadn't had time to do laundry and the services at hotels weren't fast enough for him to get things washed there. I slept the afternoon away while Jeff spent his time hanging out with David. Hmphh... Anyway later Jeff came home and we both got ready to go the signing. We picked David up at his hotel and chatted all the way to the bookstore. David was complaining that his publicist kept booking him on super early morning flights (6 am, 5:30 am) and that he had been kind of mean to her earlier that day in suggesting she change his flights. Jeff had already told me this story having overheard (at least David's portion) the conversation between him and his publicist. Jeff's version was that David was almost apologetic to the woman and David's version seemed to be that he had raked the woman over the coals. I was in the back seat and I couldn't hear what was being said sooo I asked Jeff to turn down the radio. David immediately said "See, just like that, Lawrence saw a problem and immediately asked Jeff to turn down the radio so he could hear better, I need to learn to be more direct like that, I need to be more like Lawrence." My heart stopped immediately...New York times bestselling author David Sedaris had just suggested, while sitting in MY car, that he needed to be more like me. Luckily I had my personal defibrillator handy so I shocked myself back into submission. Once we got there Jeff helped David set up his signing area and David signed the books I had brought with me to be signed plus the books I bought for other people and had signed. (Mattie, yes I have one for you and you will get it when you get here to NO in a couple weeks.)

Now on a side note I have to talk about some personal motivations in my attending the signing. You remember Jake, the boy who unceremoniously dumped me back in June? Well, when we were dating I had introduced him to David's books and he had fallen totally in love with his work. I had purchased a few books for him and had even purchased a copy of David's reading at Carnegie Hall. I copied the CD and gave him the original. Anyway I knew he would be at the signing and I was more than thrilled for him to see me there hanging out with David. My bitter inner soul also wanted to convince David to sign Jake's book "If you hadn't dumped Lawrence you could have hung out with me too" but I didn't have the nerve to ask him. David was signing books but decided to go out for a smoke break so I went with him. We were standing outside together when Jake showed up. Luckily Jeff and another friend Kirk were standing there and blocked Jake from being able to see David immediately. Then when it was time to go in they moved out of the way and Jake was able to see me and my new buddy David walking in together. Petty, yes I agree but you know they say the best revenge is living well...And I was living pretty well watching his face make that perfect O as I walked by with an author that he idolized. Maybe I missed the point of that saying.

I digress.

David signed for a while and then settled down into his reading. He read a story that had recently been published in the New Yorker magazine, one that I had incidentally read on the plane returning from NY the week before. It was a very funny story about an argument with a woman on a plane and I had enjoyed reading it so much I laughed myself silly. Then David talked about his recent appearance on the Letterman show, trained monkeys (for which he has a strange fascination) and his new fascination with the fact that people defecate in retail stores and the codes used by the stores to alert others to the problem. Incidentally Target uses the phrase "Unclaimed Merchandise," so remember that the next time you're shopping.

After the reading was over (I sat right behind Jake and we did talk quite a bit. I don't hate the boy but gloating about my individual time with David was fabulous. I had to show him where David signed one of my books "Thanks for letting us use your car." He and I chatted for a few minutes (during which time I found out that he is still dating the boy he dumped me to date AND that the boy is living with him full time now....Grumble grumble) and then he was gone and I was back to enjoying time with David.

David is absolutely hysterical to be around, picking on people in line, taking donations from people just because he explained to people "I like to buy things and I need your money to do that." This was the funniest thing about the entire signing. David had told Jeff and I that it started early in the tour. His bank card wasn't working and he couldn't get any cash out of the ATM. He doesn't use credit cards so he was kind of SOL. That night he went to the signing and told people that he needed money so they should put money in his basket and they did. So he kept it up and every city the story got more and more outrageous and the more money he made. Here in NO the area for the signing wasn't big enough to accommodate everyone so they put some people in the coffeeshop. Right before the signing David went down there and offered to sign books for people for five bucks apiece. After the signing he signed books for everyone (for hours!) and said things like "I won't confront you or anything if you don't put money in my basket but I'll like you more if you give me cash" After he signed stock for the store to sell we left to take him back to his hotel. As we're driving away David was leaning one arm out of the car smoking a cigarette and said "If I had only only gone down to that coffee shop 10 minutes earlier I could have made another 25 bucks." I couldn't believe out of the whole day that's what he was thinking about but it was the perfect ending to my time with David Sedaris.

Pretty Ladies

Here are a few of the pretty ladies from Monday Nights "Oh What a Drag" at the pub. Check out some more pics (mostly just of me).

Simon

Okay so I made that post about theatre going and Simon Pfiel and then my friend Chris(topher) sends me a picture of him....I'm not sure when this picture was taken but I think Simon is cute cute cute...I should ask Chris(topher) how well he knows him...hmmm...